A Look at Some Classic Onion Headlines

The Onion is the funniest site on the Internet, and I don’t check it nearly often enough.

But a couple of headlines that recently popped up in my Facebook feed prompted me to spend some time scrolling through some stories that the site has posted, and I thought I’d share a few of them. Note that these are just headlines I’ve come across in the past couple of days.

As I went through these, I realized what made some of the stories so funny was how close to the truth the stories were..

So here we go…

  • Local Oaf Not Sure What Part Of Counter You Order At – “Do I stand here or do I have to go down there?” the thickheaded clod asked, taking a single hesitant step toward one end of the counter before pausing and thinking again.”


That thickheaded clod could be me; I’ve often felt confused in similar environments.

  • Woman Stalked Across 8 Websites By Obsessed Shoe Advertisement – “I thought it was over when I started reading an article on Google News, but then it just popped right up out of nowhere and startled me.”


I’m sure we’ve all experienced this; it’s both a marvel of technology as well as kind of creepy…

  • Poll Finds Americans’ Greatest Fear Is Waitress Forgetting About Them -“For millions of Americans, the fear that they might find themselves stuck at a table or booth as their waitress disappears into the kitchen forever, can lead to debilitating feelings of helplessness and negative changes in mood.”


Again, been there, having the same thoughts…

Home Depot Releases New Bluetooth Cordless Hose – for this one, a picture says it all. Who wouldn’t want something like this – seems like a good April Fools’ Day headline…


Disgusted Researchers Can’t Even Bring Themselves To Find Out How Much Mayo The Average American Consumes Yearly – “After reviewing preliminary figures on the annual rate of mayonnaise consumption in the U.S., we couldn’t stop gagging and decided there was absolutely no way we could pursue this topic any further.”


I feel the same way as these researchers…

Vegan Unaware Pineapple He’s Eating Once Used To Beat Cow To Death


Maybe what us vegans need to protect us from such possibilities is better labeling that would disclose such events.

Mom Spends Beach Vacation Assuming All Household Duties In Closer Proximity To Ocean – “I just love that I can be scrubbing the bathroom, look out the window, and see the tide coming in. We should do this every year!”


This story brings back lots of memories…

Please note that all headlines and photos are copyright of The Onion…

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Jim Borden

Accounting Prof. at Villanova; happily married for 30+ years; father of 3 outstanding young men; vegan; interests: fitness, creativity, education, blogging, social media.

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